Blade Trinity Sucks (and other HILARIOUS puns)

I actually paid money to see Blade: Trinity. This is a heinous act that is much like having someone pulverize your fingers with a hammer, one by one, and then giving them cash in return (which, of course, has to be fished out of a wallet with your mouth). It's one of those movies that not only managed to be a lousy sequel, it actually insulted me with its idiotic plot, paper-thin characters and pathetic attempt at crafting an action film. There are so many problems with this vampire film, most of all in its brainless writing (a plague that permeates most films), but to mention them all would require an entire, dedicated website and not just a mere blog entry. So, here we go:

- First off, the direction was going for frenetic action and instead gave us a jarring mess that would embarass most music videos and is in serious need of some Ritalin. The opening credits establish this early on by obliterating any sense of continuity with annoying flashes of text. Action scenes are later ruined by annoying flashes of light.

- The storyline is impressive considering that it was clearly created by a bunch of lonely amoeba. So, Dracula's in this temple, a temple which nobody has ever bothered to investigate and has simply been festering away in some desert for thousands of years, waiting to be entered by a band of low-life vampires. The informative text at the bottom of the screen tells us it's located in Syria...but then it's later mentioned that the temple is in Iraq. Okay then.

- Dracula is totally miscast. He looks like a bouncer at a nightclub, not the lord of darkness.

- Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds) is probably the most entertaining part of the film - quite sad considering that instead of giving him a unique character, the writers (aforementioned amoeba) put in special effort to write Van Wilder INTO a Blade film.

- "Hey Blade! Look at this impossibly minute and featureless piece of armor we picked up! By running it through our SUPER DUPER COMPUTER, we can completely reconstruct Dracula's armor. See, that's what it looked like EXACTLY. Also, we can tell that he reads Tom Clancy novels, enjoys long walks on the beach and that he's lactose intolerant...and a Virgo!"

- Okay, so the cops show up at Blade's HQ and are keen to arrest him. Naturally, the place is rigged with explosives should the long and highly flammable arm of the law ever show up. The cops run in and the place EXPLODES, erupting in flames and flying debris. The cop in charge grabs his radio:
"WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?!"
This guy is a moron. The reply he receives will no doubt be a deleted scene on the DVD.
"Uh, we fucking blew up! We're like dead and stuff, sir."

- Kris Kristofferson can't act his way out of a paper bag in this one (not that any of the other actors are much better), spouting his lines out as if reading them from a cue card whilst experiencing the heaviest of hangovers. The only reason he gets an early and forgettable death is to answer the audience's question: "So, when does he die already?"

- Okay, so Dracula is coming after the Nightstalkers. AHA! He'll never get through their unbelievably tight and ingeniously devised security system. There are security cameras everywhere and their respective screens are being monitored closely by....the blind woman! Ingenious!

And finally...

- They screwed up a Jessica Biel shower scene. Wasted opportunity.

That's all for now, folks. Fang you very much!

(That was painful.)